Thursday, November 29, 2012

Letter To The Fallen

Dear Baby,

I am so sorry that you are not here with us! I was doing what I thought was right! Your sister Alyssa was sick and needed me beside her so there I stood in the X-Ray room the technician looked at me, "Mam, is there a possibility that you may be pregnant?" He asked me. "No" I spoke!

As I stood there with tears in my eyes holding Alyssas hand I just kept feeling this pull in my heart! Could I be pregnant?

April 2011 I was already going through so much with Marks passing! I went to the clinic and found out that I was pregnant! Around 5 weeks the nurse told me! At that point I thought this is meant to be! With Death comes Birth! This is going to bring our family back together! Dealing with all of this sadness while feeling happy in my heart was so hard How could I mourn at a time like this knowing that I am going to have another baby! Counting the months between you and Alyssa and trying to figure out arrangements it was all too much!

Standing at the front desk at work I just felt as if something was not right! I went to the bathroom and looked down why was there blood on my bottoms? What was happening? I was sick to my stomach with all these questions!!

If I could just wait 1 more hour I could go to the hospital! I was already walking thin ice taking so much time off for Mark I couldnt ask them to leave now! What should I have done?

After work I went to the nearest hospital! I should be about 8 weeks now!

After an ultrasound and some bloodwork it was clear to the doctors! It was a miscarriage! Why is this happening? Havent I gone through enough?

I think 2 weeks went by as I bled and bled and bled! This is horrible! How do people go through this? The doctors told me I had to just let it happen let my body discharge of everything! Every bathroom break was a reminder of what I was losing! You!

I had already bought you an Easter dress! You & Alyssa were going to match and you two would look so adorable together!

I just lost Mark I cant loose you too! Why would God give me a gift only to take it away from me? I dont understand!

This is unfair! I hate life!

After it was all over with I was still so sad! Maybe it was for the best people kept saying! For the best? How could this be for the best? You gave me life then took it from me!! How could that be the best solution!

I wanted you! I wanted Alyssa to be an older sister! I was so happy!

Im so sorry! Maybe if I would've left the X-Ray room you would be here! Maybe if I would've said Yes! I might be pregnant! I would be looking at the  two of you playing together like siblings do!

I always thought of you as a girl! Maybe youd have blonde hair just like Alyssa or maybe youd have brown hair like me! Would you have my blue eyes?

Sometimes I wonder what youd look like! I wonder what my life would be like if you were here!

I wish I could take back that day! I would leave the room just for a moment then go back to being with Alyssa!

She needed me then! I wanted to be there for her I wanted her to know that I was by her side so she could feel safe I didnt want her to be scared!

I thought I was doing the right thing!

Little baby...Im Sorry! I didnt know!

Your always in my heart little one!

Forever & Forever

Your Mommy!

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