Thursday, November 29, 2012

Letter To The Fallen

Dear Baby,

I am so sorry that you are not here with us! I was doing what I thought was right! Your sister Alyssa was sick and needed me beside her so there I stood in the X-Ray room the technician looked at me, "Mam, is there a possibility that you may be pregnant?" He asked me. "No" I spoke!

As I stood there with tears in my eyes holding Alyssas hand I just kept feeling this pull in my heart! Could I be pregnant?

April 2011 I was already going through so much with Marks passing! I went to the clinic and found out that I was pregnant! Around 5 weeks the nurse told me! At that point I thought this is meant to be! With Death comes Birth! This is going to bring our family back together! Dealing with all of this sadness while feeling happy in my heart was so hard How could I mourn at a time like this knowing that I am going to have another baby! Counting the months between you and Alyssa and trying to figure out arrangements it was all too much!

Standing at the front desk at work I just felt as if something was not right! I went to the bathroom and looked down why was there blood on my bottoms? What was happening? I was sick to my stomach with all these questions!!

If I could just wait 1 more hour I could go to the hospital! I was already walking thin ice taking so much time off for Mark I couldnt ask them to leave now! What should I have done?

After work I went to the nearest hospital! I should be about 8 weeks now!

After an ultrasound and some bloodwork it was clear to the doctors! It was a miscarriage! Why is this happening? Havent I gone through enough?

I think 2 weeks went by as I bled and bled and bled! This is horrible! How do people go through this? The doctors told me I had to just let it happen let my body discharge of everything! Every bathroom break was a reminder of what I was losing! You!

I had already bought you an Easter dress! You & Alyssa were going to match and you two would look so adorable together!

I just lost Mark I cant loose you too! Why would God give me a gift only to take it away from me? I dont understand!

This is unfair! I hate life!

After it was all over with I was still so sad! Maybe it was for the best people kept saying! For the best? How could this be for the best? You gave me life then took it from me!! How could that be the best solution!

I wanted you! I wanted Alyssa to be an older sister! I was so happy!

Im so sorry! Maybe if I would've left the X-Ray room you would be here! Maybe if I would've said Yes! I might be pregnant! I would be looking at the  two of you playing together like siblings do!

I always thought of you as a girl! Maybe youd have blonde hair just like Alyssa or maybe youd have brown hair like me! Would you have my blue eyes?

Sometimes I wonder what youd look like! I wonder what my life would be like if you were here!

I wish I could take back that day! I would leave the room just for a moment then go back to being with Alyssa!

She needed me then! I wanted to be there for her I wanted her to know that I was by her side so she could feel safe I didnt want her to be scared!

I thought I was doing the right thing!

Little baby...Im Sorry! I didnt know!

Your always in my heart little one!

Forever & Forever

Your Mommy!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Letter To My Little Darling


First off I want to tell you that I was always Anti-Child. I never really wanted children before! The day that I found out that I was pregnant I literally cried with fear...How am I going to do this?
I thought this question very often as my belly kept getting bigger and bigger!

I was always so nervous about what was going on with my body! Days that I would just feel kinda off I was always nervous something was wrong I felt as if I was in and out of the hospital every couple weeks! I didn't know what I was doing! Now I realize that in that part of my life I was already being a mother to you! I wanted what was best for you I wanted to take care of you!!

Every time I felt you move inside me I got butterflies! I remember one night I was laying in bed and you were so crazy inside my belly I couldn't even sleep you were moving and kicking around like there was a party going on! I always knew if you were moving that you were there and was when you were still I began to worry sometimes I would just move around or jiggle my belly just to feel you move inside me! The second I felt you move I sighed with relief!

When I went into labor with you I was so anxious and worried! I was feeling things in my body that I couldn't even explain all I did was lean over holding my belly and cry! When will this pain be over? When will I finally meet my little darling?

Well 10hrs later I delivered you and as I strained my last push I felt such relief as my midwife held you up! I cried not even realizing why I was crying! Such joy poured over my body I was so full of emotions that I had never had before!

The first time I held you in my arms I didnt even believe that it was real life! Could this be true? Did this really just happen? I was speechless and amazed! You were so small and soft your scent was perfection I just held you and kissed your head! You were perfect!

As I sit here and think about this day it seems as if everyday since then has been such a blur! Time is going by so fast I need to run to catch up! You are 28mths old! Were has the time gone? How did you get so big?

You are so big and smart and very independent!! You wake me up every morning with a smile on your face! "Hi Mommy" you say to me every morning as you crawl up in my bed and wrap your arms around me! How on Earth did I get so lucky? Why is it that you are so good to me?

I feel as if I do not deserve you at times! You are so forgiving of my many mistakes! You love me unconditionally!! I honestly am the happiest and luckiest person in the world!! Your curly hair and your big blue eyes!! The way you look up at me as if I didnt just see you steal a cookie from the countertop!! You are just the most amazing little darling ever!!

At times I stand in the hallway and just listen to you laying in bed praying! I hear your sweet little voice speak and it just moves me to tears!

I hope that you know how much I love you!

I cant wait to watch you grow as you get older and wiser! I cant wait to see what God has planned for you! What kind of person you will become! You are so gracious and loving! You will be such an amazing wife and mother!

I am so proud to be your mommy and I feel so blessed to have you as my daughter! I love you!

Forever Yours & Forever Mine


Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Thanksgiving 2012

Hey Ya'll    How was your Thanksgiving??

Mine was very nice! Both my mother and father drove to Louisville so they could have a Thanksgiving Dinner with my sister and I!!

Its very encouraging that they are willing to make the drive!! It makes it a lot easier for me to be here!!

I did have to work Thanksgiving Day but we were able to fit them in amongst my days off!!

Family is so important to me!!! I love just being able to see my parents an being able to sit down and celebrate this holiday together!!! Nothing like it!!

As my father was here in Louisville he started to ask us what we would like for Christmas this year! He gave us a limit on how much he would spend!

Since my family is small with just Alyssa & I we only needed or more like wanted a few small things!

My sisters family is much bigger 3x bigger to be exact!! Obviously they will be getting more things!

I found myself getting mad well not really mad I guess just jealous because they were going to be getting more money spent on them and getting more valuable things than I was! Well not really valuable money wise but better things they wanted more "experince" things as I just wanted "things"

At one point my sister was apologizing to me because she could tell that I was upset!!

That really smacked me back down to reality.......why was I getting so upset!!!

Thanksgiving is a day to give Thanks!! Christmas is a day to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ!!

He died for our sins...he is the reason we are all here today!!

How is it that I am getting so caught up with "Things"   Am I really that selfish?!?

I am making this Christmas Season about more than just gifts and presents I want to make this holiday special for Alyssa & I!!

I dont want Alyssa to grow up thinking that she will be getting lots of gifts and toys because its Christmas I want her to know the true meaning of Christmas and why we celebrate it!! Why is family is so important? Why do we give thanks? What are we thankful for?

I am truly blessed for what I have and who is around me and I want my daughter to be just as lucky as I have been!!!

Saturday, November 17, 2012


So living with my mom for 2 years has been such a blessing because quite frankly she did most of the cooking so now out on my own Im stuck wondering......

What in the heck do I make????

Im not use to cooking so this is a big adjustment for me!

Plus Alyssa is such a picky eater that I find it very pointless to make "meals"

I mean its just the 2 of us and if Alyssa doesnt eat it that means Im either going to freeze half of it or eat leftovers for days!!!

I need some advice on possible children approved meals or meals for 2!!

I have pinned some things on pinterest but I really want some advice from my friends!!

Can you help????

What do your children love for lunch or dinner??

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Too Much Stuff

I don't have a problem living in an apartment.....I love my apartment!!

But I have way too much stuff for this itty bitty apartment!

I think Im going to have to downsize!!!

Its hard because being a single mother I want to give Alyssa everything she wants but at the same time I dont want to spoil her either! I have learned while moving that I have spoiled my daughter!!!

With Christmas coming up I look around me at my cluttered little apartment and really start to think what Alyssa really NEEDS!!!!

I sometimes feel that because I am a single mother I need to make up for everything she would be getting if her father was in her life!!

Do you feel the same way?? Do you tend to overcompensate??

Monday, November 12, 2012

Kentucky Living

Hey Ya'll

Im sorry for the absence as I have been trying to adjust to all the new and exciting things happening in my life so far!! I have yet to get everything setup! I must say its not going as fast or well as I planned but...its going!

My New Job......

 Is Awesome!!

The people I work with are nice, funny and just very welcoming! I just really enjoy everything here!!

My apartment is coming together slowly but surely!!

I haven't had a chance to get out and explore much but I plan on doing a lot of exploring in the near future!! I have been hanging out with and eating dinner with my sister & brother a lot lately!!

Just being able to drive 5min. down the road and be at my sisters house is just very refreshing!!

I am so happy and excited about being here in Louisville, KY I can't wait to see what the future holds for Alyssa & I!!!

How is your fresh start treating you??!??

Friday, November 2, 2012

Day 31: The Story

Here we are!!!

The best thing about this whole thing is this...The Story!!

You get to tell your story to others!! This is so encouraging and so helpful for others that may be just starting this process or maybe even just thinking about it!!

Its very great that we can now help others through all this because we have been through it!!

So here it is......My Story!

I am 24 years old single mother! I have been living with my mother since my daughter Alyssa was 3 weeks old! I have been working since she was about 4-5 weeks old! I have been through many struggles during this time trying to find a decent job and trying to fit everything in my life! Finding babysitters...working...taking care of Alyssa...its really hard work being a working and single mother!
I have been going to Louisville, KY to help my sister out with her new family and also just to be able to go spend time with my sister Ashley! When I'm in Louisville I just feel happy with my life!! So I made the decision to move there!!
And...I did it!!!
I started looking for apartments and found the perfect one!!
A small 610sp. ft. 1 Bedroom perfect for Alyssa & I right now!!

I applied and applied and applied for jobs in Louisville and finally I got one!!

I have rented the U-haul, packed the boxes, drove the mileage, and unloaded the U-Haul!!

While riding in the empty U-haul on my way home I just felt happy, relieve, thrilled and excited!!

I can't believe I finally did it!!

Im moving 3hrs away from Alyssa's best friend, Alyssa's Aunt & Uncle, my Mom, my Dad, 2 of my Aunts and all of my friends!!!
Im moving 4hrs away from Alyssas dad and her Grandma!
Im moving 5hrs away from my Grandma and Grandpa, and 3 of my Uncles!!

My whole Support System is in Ohio!! I must be crazy to leave them!!!

At least I have my wonderful sister Ashley & my awesome brother Michael!!!
Without these 2 amazing and self-less individuals I would've never made it this far!!!

I am so blessed and encouraged by all that they have done to help me and still continue to help!!!

If I grow up (lol cause I'm 24 already but am still growing )  to be even half of a person and believer that they are my life would be so meaningful and amazing!!

I went through all these emotions and changes by myself but I went through this process with them!!!

Now I can say......I am renting my own apt. where I take care of my daughter by myself!!!
I finally have my Independence back!!

I am a single mother trying to make it on her own!!!

The best part about this is...I just feel so blessed with what Ive been able to accomplish through the past 31 Days!!

**What was your Fresh Start?? If you have any stories about how my blog has helped you through this process please please please share them with me!!**

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Day 30: The End

Its hard to believe that we are at The End already!!

After going through this process and all of these changes we should be a new us right about now!!

Or at least starting to be a new us!!

Sometimes this process can take awhile but at least now we know somewhat what we should be doing!!

For me The End is.......moving forward in my life!!!!

My Fresh Start is probably a little different than most but it's all based on what you want to change in your life so there will be differences! Its pretty much the same process for all of us though!

I have done it!!!

I have signed my lease for my new apartment in Louisville, KY!!

This is my end!!

I have rented the U-haul, packed the boxes, drove the mileage, and unloaded the U-Haul!!

My apartment is a disaster right now cause we were running behind and just threw everything in my living room but I am not stressed or overwhelmed or anything I'm so relieved that I'm finally done!!

I can figure the details out whenever the most important thing right now is that I did it!!

An just think.....YOU DID TOO!!!